An Open Letter

Unlike most open letters that I have read on the web I am writing this one with a genuine desire to reach out to as many people as possible. The purpose is more to educate than just vent and I am hoping that people actually embrace the idea. Let me get straight to the point.

America, STOP STINKING UP MOVIE THEATERS WITH THE DISGUSTING AND OVERWHELMING SMELL OF POPCORN. A cinema is not a restaurant. Have a meal before or after the movie. Heck, have a meal before AND after. Can't you go just 2 hours without stuffing your face with food? It is bad enough that most of you pollute the air inside the theater with the nauseating smell of overpriced butter, but oh my god, the LOUD CHEWING AND THE SLURPING. Who does that? Did your mother teach you that it is not okay to make noises while eating or drinking except in a goddamn theater? Do you all need a special message at the beginning of the movie that asks you to switch off your cellphones and your animal instincts?

There are some who might say I am overreacting. If you agree, then you are one of those people who is pissing me off and YOU ARE A MORON. Do you always have to buy a tub of popcorn and a large diet coke everytime you see a movie? Stop behaving like a conditioned drone and know that just because it is dark and no one can see you doesn't mean you can check your manners at the door and behave like a 2 year old. Everyone doing it does not make it ok. You all disgust me and make me want to avoid going to movies altogether!

The Chinese take out place next to my house is better than the one next to yours

I will tell you why.
A classy 2009 calendar filled with bikini clad Asians!
I mean, is there really a better way to show appreciation for being a regular customer?

This place is awesome.
First, I get large tasty portions of pepper beef with steamed rice for only $6.25. And now I can hang pictures of almost naked women all over my room and look at them whenever I need to know the date or feel like eating Chinese. Talk about one stop shop for all your hungers! Plus, who can put a price on all the knowledge I get from the fortune cookies? Confucius says “The answer is a deep fried NO my friend”!
Can you feel the holiday spirit sautéed in schezwan sauce and served with an egg roll of mild arousal?

The lady who gave me this first grinned widely almost winking as if to say, “I know what you are really going to use this for” and then immediately sheepishly asked me “Oh…you are not married right?” I think you got the order of those reactions wrong ma’m! Nevertheless, I am thinking of taping this right onto my ceiling so that it is the first thing that I look at when I open my eyes in the morning. Anything else would kill the Christmas spirit!

An imagined conversation

Jim: Dan, I know that your book ‘Angels and Demons’ wasn’t as big a hit as you had hoped for but I think you should keep working on the idea.
Dan Brown: Are you crazy? I am going to try something different now. 'Angels and Demons' is a lost cause.
Jim: No No Dan. Hear me out. I think you should revisit the entire premise once again and give it another shot! Just change the mystery that drives the plot but keep the general plotline and the basic idea of the characters the same. I have a gut feeling about this!
Dan Brown: Are you fucking drunk Jim? That doesn’t make any sense whatsoever. Wouldn’t people find it weird that almost similar things happen to the protagonist twice in his life? Who is going to buy that?
Jim: That doesn’t matter Dan. If the new book becomes a huge hit nobody will care about such things. You have to trust me.
Dan Brown: Hmmm…let me think about it. If I do this, I have to make sure it contains more controversial elements than the first.
Jim: Yes of course. I think hitting up Christianity once again is a good idea.
Dan Brown: Jim…you are insane. I can’t write about Christianity once again.
Jim: Yes you can. Just make it even more controversial. Here’s the thing. Simply forget that you ever wrote 'Angels and Demons'. Try to write something that is a new and improved 'Angels and Demons' without worrying about repetition or things like that! The only thing is you have to make it more controversial. That way it will get a lot of attention and boom…jackpot!
Dan Brown: Hmmmm…seems like a crazy idea that just might work. Let me think about it more seriously! If it doesn’t work, you owe me a beer though!
Jim: You’ve got yourself a deal Dan!


Aside: I think one commendable thing about Dan Brown is that it is relatively easier to create your own world and plant clues in it to create a mystery. Dan Brown however works with real world artifacts and makes them part of a treasure hunt which at least on the face value of it seems like quite an impressive task.

EDIT (Dec 24th 2008): Since I am pseudo-intellectually bashing authors here, let me say this: MALCOLM GLADWELL...stop researching things that are explained by common sense and write something new. Your books are the equivalent of headlines that go "Scientists show people who drink too much make a lot of stupid mistakes". It is freaking obvious, everybody knows that and nobody wants to know why. Stop turning one page essays into books jackass!

Why don't we bomb the terrorist camps in Pakistan?

Ajmal Amir Qasab, the solitary terrorist captured in the Mumbai terrorist attack has revealed the locations of where he was trained to carry out the attack (Source: NDTV website). It is not a stretch of imagination to assume that a lot of others are being trained there too. So why aren't we demanding Pakistan raid those places? Personally I think Pakistan is an out and out terrorist state and will not agree to such an operation under any circumstances. The fact that this is due to an ineffectual government doesn't change a thing. Pakistan claimed that the terrorists were stateless. This should give it complete moral authority to raid these terrorist training camps as it would not constitute as an attack on its own citizens. But it will not and this is because the terrorists are Pakistanis and the Pakistan government knows this. It would much rather play a game of cat and mouse with the Indian government while Indians die rather than take any affirmative step that attempts to eradicate the sources of these problems.

What options does this leave us with?

Negotiating and trying to acheive results diplomatically has never worked with Islamic terrorism. When people are brainwashed from a young age they do not see any reason in anything other than what they have been told is right. As far as I know, wars that have been fuelled by religious ferver have never been quelled diplomatically. India-Pakistan diplomacy has never been effective in quelling terrorism and once again we are resorting to this to solve our problems.

What about an out and out military action like invading Pakistan? I don't think this will do any good either due to many obvious factors. As a friend of mine (Duh) rightly pointed out, the disparity in military might between India and Pakistan is not enough for us to achieve a speedy result. Furthermore, the fact that both countries have nuclear weapons will make the rest of the world shit in its collective pants and we can expect a lot of effective pressure to prevent a war (sanctions etc?). Furthermore, this will make it extremely easy for the extremists to recruit more terrorists.

I think selective bombing of the terrorist camps is a middle ground that we absolutely have to resort to. There is a reason we are seen as a soft target. It is because we never resort to military action proactively. This is definitely good upto a certain extent. We have been turning the other cheek long enough now. I think it is time to show the world and Pakistan that we have the resolve to kill if need be. I agree that there will be civilian casualities which will once again make it easier for extremists to recruit terrorists. However, this is the collateral damage that we have to accept in order to send a message. One is a fool to think there can be military action without civilian casualities, especially if these terrorists turn out to be like the Palestian extremists who hide in civilian populated areas knowing that when Israel bombs them there will be an international humanitarian outcry against it. Our plane is hijacked and we do nothing, our parliament is attacked and we do nothing, our institue of higher learning is attacked and we do nothing, our economic centre is attacked and we do nothing. What lines do these people have to cross after which we think pre-emptive strikes are warranted? To those who think this is still too extreme, I want them to tell me the number of innocent Indians that have to die after which such an action is okay.

Everyone is blaming the Indian politicians. I agree that they are very much responsible for being an incompetent bunch letting the country go to the dogs just to satisfy their selfish needs. But shouldn't this anger come after the anger towards Pakistan? Shouldn't we be trying to come up with ways to get to the root of the problem? Do people really think setting up a new terrorism task force or getting some politicans to resign will change things at a fundamental level? Imagine you are walking on a street and some guy shoves you down so hard that your arm breaks. What we are doing is ignoring this lunatic completely and going back to our negligent mother and blaming her for not feeding us enough calcium as a child.

I think I know why we do this.
We are scared to offend our muslim brethren.
People say that "terrorism knows no religion". What is this supposed to mean? That we should ignore the religious aspect of the attacks? Sorry but if 15 guys come from a muslim majority country into a Hindu majority country that has had strained relations with it rooted in partition (that was once again on religious lines) and specifically target a jewish settlement amongst others, while letting a Turkish couple go free because they are muslim, it has every fucking thing to do with religion.

If I was a muslim I would be insulted by those who say that this has nothing to do with religion. It has everything to do with religion, especially the wrong and maligned way Islam is used to brain wash the extremists. I would want to know that people understand this. By not talking about this at all, it makes me suspect that you secretly think I am somehow responsible for the actions of these terrorists. I would be offended because you assume that I put my religion before my country and so you dont want to offend me by bringing up religion. Sure India has its own communal problems, but is this really the time to be politically correct? In fact, is there any good time to be politically correct? I am confident that when the Imams of India refused to bury the terrorists, there was atleast one person whose wrong convictions about how all muslims in India are against India were atleast shaken a bit. I feel like this is the most effective path. We need to walk down this path to get to the root of this problem.

Now comes the question of personal responsibilty. Would I be willing to put my money where my mouth is? Which is to say, if India does end up bombing strategic parts of Pakistan and these events lead to a war, would I be willing to give up my cozy life in the US and go back to India to enlist and fight for my country? I honestly dont know. Anyone reading this can blame me for being a hypocrite and I accept the label. What I will stick by though is that this action is what I think is best for my country in the long run. Me being a hypocrite doesn't change the validity of my argument. To those who are ready to dismiss this option just based on my hypocrisy, I ask them what would their response be if a high ranking general of our army had put forward this?

We are being attacked and innocents are dying so often that it literally has become just another day in our lives. I really hope atleast this changes things and we will adopt a more effective approach to solve this problem rather than resort to impotent diplomacy!

The last post that has to do with Under the Bridge

This past thanksgiving weekend I hung out with Golu and played a little music.

We plugged in our guitars and switched on our amps with the intention of coming up with an awesome original composition. After a little playing we lowered our goal to just covering an awesome jam. A few more iterations of goal-lowering happened after that. Running out of time (as I had to leave soon) did not help. Plus there were no drugs involved as our regular dealer was spending the thanksgiving with his family. Ultimately (and unfortunately) we ended up with this.

I am putting this up anyway as a "BEFORE" video. The "AFTER" video will come soon. Stay tuned.



I also learnt the importance of good lighting.

EDIT (Feb 4th 2009): Lazy Golu finally uploaded a couple of videos that we had recorded on the same day as the above one (Nov 28th 2008). Both videos were taken with Golu's camera which kicks my camera's ass. The first video is a recording of a soundcheck that went really bad or really good depending on which one of us you ask ;) and the second is a recording of the first take of 'Under the Bridge' which we decided to not use. In retrospect, this version is slightly better than the one I had put up! Enjoy.

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SOUND CHECK


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ABANDONED TAKE THAT WE THREW AWAY DOWNTOWN

Quantum of Cars, Guns and Babes!

Here’s the thing: I have never seen a James Bond movie that I haven’t liked.

I am left out of all discussions that people around me have when they rate the best Bonds and the best movies. My only opinion is an all encompassing “I thought it was great” for every movie and “I wish I was Bond instead of him” for every actor who plays Bond.

All James Bond movies are primarily made up three things: lots of (guns, gadgets, cars and explosions), extremely hot women, and James Bond looking cool. All James Bond movies pull these three off really well. That is enough for me to suspend my disbelief to an extent that I really don’t care about the plots, plausibility of Bond’s stunts, character developments etc. I see Bond driving a gorgeous Aston Martin with the likes of the ultra gorgeous Eva Green, spying around the bad guys to bring them down and my most basic instincts are tickled funny which always leaves me happy. That is why I am convinced that in spite of the tepid reviews that “Quantum of Solace” is getting, I am pretty sure I will like it.

To celebrate of all things Bond-related, check out the following

1) One of the coolest cars in the world


















2) One of the most gorgeous women in the world























3) One of the most kickass themes in the world

Amazon Customer Review Review

Almost all the books I buy are from Amazon. There are always a bunch of people selling ‘used’ copies of the books for really low prices and I remember purchasing some for as low as 1 cent (of course the shipping and handling at 3.99 is where they make the money). The approximate average amount that I have spent on a book cannot be more than 10$. My point being that this is a great place to buy books cheaply. The only downside to this is the 4-5 day wait for the book to arrive.

Also, I recently formed a very entertaining habit. Once I am done reading something (and most of it is very basic literature made famous by the world long ago that I am catching up with) I read a lot of the customer reviews that are posted on Amazon. The spectrum of reactions to any book is fascinating and I am always amazed by both the depth and shallowness displayed. 5 star reviews of the well-acclaimed books are generally informative and help me either look at the book from an angle that I had failed to see or realize the importance of details that I had missed. However, it is the 1 star reviews of these ‘good’ books that sometimes force me to put on an entirely different set of reading glasses. I had expected most of these bad reviews to be from ‘philistines’ who would crib along the lines of “this books sucks...I got so bored” or such intellectually equivalent arguments. This tends to be true in most cases. People seem to harp on a minor issue and reject the book as being bad after making a mountain out of the mole hill. Sometimes they even attack the motives of the author as being suspect and claim that their distrust and prejudice makes them hate the literary work. As frivolous as some opinions might be I found that there are always a few people who have a legitimate point or two. It is obviously a good idea to read even the minority view and form a more balanced opinion.

One of the most compelling revelations I had came to me when I was reading the reviews for George Orwell's 1984. When I finished this book recently (I know I am late to the party) I immediately thought of its present day relevance in terms of the wire-taps/illegal prisons/etc happening in the US being perpetuated by the far-right in the name of war. Only when I read the reviews did I realize that there was a sea of people who interpreted the book's modern day relevance in terms of the far-left agenda of making American society more and more socialist. Although 1984 talks about a totalitarian regime that incorporates the extreme nature of both the left and the right, it was interesting for me to see my own and other's prejudices (no matter how justified) heavily influencing what we took away from the book.

SoundStupid

“Let me tell you why I think archaeology is important. Archaeology is important because history repeats itself and man makes the same mistakes all the time. Since we are fallible, the only way we can prevent mistakes is by learning from our past and the further we go back in time, the more of our baser instincts we see in play. That is why it is vital to understand how our ancestors behaved and try and not make the same mistakes.”

-Drunk me to a cute archaeologist at a halloween party before the conversation turned downhill and she finally left! I need some help finding my optimum intoxication level wherein I can be smooth but avoid vocalizing all the random crap that comes to my mind!

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Also, I have to acknowledge this:
Obama wins! NICE!

A little bit of American politics

A lot (maybe too much) is being said about everything that is going on with the US presidential election right now. I don’t intend to rehash all the criticism being thrown towards both the democratic and republican presidential and vice-presidential nominees. I just want to get a few strikes on this dead horse.
I used to like John McCain a lot. So much so that at a dinner conversation with some friends a few weeks back, I said that I would vote for McCain if I could. (Let’s ignore the sad reality that I know more about US politics than Indian.) Despite McCain carrying the tag of being a republican (which tends to make me view a person in a slightly negative light) I quickly realized that he was a very sensible guy. In all his interviews (conducted before he had become the republican nominee) he came across as a level headed person who had well thought out arguments for his positions (as opposed to using scare tactics). This unfortunately didn’t last long and he soon started pandering to the republican base. So much so that Jon Stewart (of The Daily Show) openly asked him if he had sunken so low to appease the base and John McCain sheepishly replied in the affirmative. And the pandering has gotten so bad that it amazes me that there are still some non-base people (people who aren’t bible thumpers or think Obama is a secret muslim who will open a backdoor for terrorists into American) who are undecided or will vote for McCain because they want to stick to party lines in spite of the party’s policies spelling disasters for America.

McCain claims that he is going to put “country first”. Yet he chose Palin as his VP. It is more than obvious that Sarah Palin is a disaster and is completely unfit for the job. It couldn’t have been possible that she turned into an idiot overnight. This means that McCain knew she was unqualified but decided to continue pandering to his republican (and hopefully the female voter) base by choosing Palin as his running mate. I fail to see how this is putting “country first”, when you are willing to have an incompetent person in office just so you can get elected. Obama on the other hand chose Biden, someone the media calls “a Washington insider”. Biden has criticized Obama (in favor of McCain even) several times before Obama became the nominee. Yet I believe he was chosen for the much needed experience he can provide to run the country. Choosing someone who complements your skill set in spite of being subjected to personal attacks seems to me like a good example of putting country first. There is a small possibility that McCain really thought Palin would be a good choice as VP. If this is true, it is best for him to never admit it.

There are people who say they are going to vote for McCain-Palin because they can relate to Palin as a down to earth person who is just like them. Putting aside how ignorant she is about anything that happens on a global scale, she is a journalism major who doesn’t read any newspapers, went to five colleges to get a degree and thinks the earth was created 6000 years ago. If you can relate to her, that is only because she is stupid and so are you. Why would anyone want to risk giving her even a little control over the entire country? I relate to my friends a lot. That doesn’t mean I get them to perform an appendectomy on me when I need one.

Obama surely has his faults. In fact, I think the democrats are always erring on the wrong side of socialism. I am not naïve enough to think he is the perfect candidate who will bring unprecedented riches and glory to America. Yet, I believe the choice for the next US president couldn’t have been simpler. In my opinion you should weigh the pros and cons of every candidate’s positions on major issues and vote for the one with whom you agree the most. You shouldn’t vote for McCain just because he is a war-hero. You shouldn’t vote for Obama just because he is black. Sure, in both cases, it would be a plus point for the respective candidate (mostly) but what about the rest of their manifesto? It amazes me that people choose just one aspect of a candidate’s platform and just run with it racking up huge amounts of cognitive dissonance along the way.

Having lived here for 4 years now, I consider the US a second home. I have always been in awe of the wonderful technological innovations that have come from this country and defend it in whatever position I can and whenever possible. Yet, there are times when the stupidity and the stubbornness of the masses depresses me. If McCain wins (and I have a suspicion that he will mostly due to the Bradley Effect), I can only hope he goes back to his old self when he wasn’t afraid to go against the traditional republican views. Unfortunately I doubt that will happen.

EDIT (Nov 6th 2008): Obama wins! By a landslide. Awesome. I am glad I was so wrong.

Wikisurfing is fun [1]

If you have a job that requires you to sit in front of a computer that is connected to the internet, chances are you have experienced WikiSurfing (when a better name strikes me, as it often happens when I am over the can (which is an euphemism for shitting), I am going to replace WikiSurfing with that word and erase this long and pointless sentence where I give TMI (too much information) and use too many brackets…(ok?)). WikiSurfing, as the net-addicted amongst you might have already guessed is when you start off reading one article on wikipedia, jump to another article midway through the first one via a link and keep doing this for 2 hours until you end up with tons of guilt and half assed knowledge about a variety of vaguely related and often pointless topics.

This happens to me all the time but today I think I have a crowning achievement in terms of maximum randomness. Trying to get some work done I tried to find an article explaining “spherical modes”. Exactly 1 hour later I was reading about “Megan Fox”. I have no idea how I managed that but I was glad my natural instincts led me well. Yet the whole process amused me to no end. I have no recollection of my journey but my destination taught me that Megan Fox is engaged to some random dude and believes in pansexuality (which isn’t something as kinky as I had imagined).

Megan Fox could keep me entertained only for so long (cuz it wasn’t she in person!). I quickly moved on and kept surfing when I came across an article where one of the sentences was ...he was however hit by a car which led to... and the words hit by a car were linked to an article about Motor Vehicle Accident. This means that there was a person who decided that the phrase 'hit by a car' might not convey enough information and took the effort to edit the page in order to link to the other one.
Nice! My faith in the bottomless pit of amusement that is the internet was reinforced today.

POST SCRIPT: After typing out the above, I put aside my laptop to visit the restroom (which is again a euphemism for shitting. Who actually rests in a restroom?). As it often happens (and I have a vague recollection that I already mentioned this) I had many thoughts while “resting in the restroom” and one of them was to google wikisurfing before posting this. Turns out, it is a word which is already in use, has an entry on urban dictionary and a bunch of people have already blogged about this. My instincts had led me well once again. Normally I would have scrapped the entire post due to the obvious redundancy but I decided against it (as is obvious) only because I wanted to share with the world that I have awesome thoughts while going dookie ( ;) ) and sadly these are no better than most of the world's!

References
[1]: Personal experience of the author. Not a reliable source.

Brief Review of Death Magnetic

Here is a short review of DEATH MAGNETIC…the latest album released last Friday (12th Sept) by METALLICA.
Music wise it is only decent, there are parts where you really feel pumped up but more often than not its nothing more than just mediocre riffs. Maybe I have to let the songs grow on me. From an arrangement point of view it is a total back to roots album for metallica what with all the songs being long with changing riffs and solos. This might be great news to the I-hate-Metallica-after-Justice fans but I am not one of them. I think as awesome as their first four albums were, the radically different direction they took after Justice added an entirely new dimension to their music which paid off very well. I believe they tried to pull off a similar stunt with St.Anger which of course failed. However I personally give them the credit (that they deserve and normally don’t get) for having the balls to experiment rather than stick to just one proven formula.
Coming back to Death Magnetic, all the songs follow the template established by Kill Em All. The lyrics though suck balls. Hetfield was lyrically at his best during their softer years. Almost all songs from black album/load/reload have better lyrics than first 4 albums with a few exceptions of course. Most of the songs on death magnetic have to do with...(wait...can u guess?...) death...all seems very pretentious to me!
And one thing that has been a source of misery for me is Unforgiven 3, one of the songs on Death Magnetic. It is so crappy it makes me want to cry. Unforgiven 1 and 2 are masterpieces in every right of their own. Unforgiven 3 sounds like the result of a bad jam session from a third rate band or a song that I would come up at 2 am in the morning after coming back from the bar on a friday night completely drunk (the important difference being that I always have the good sense to realize it sucks...but not before a period of about 15minutes during which I am convinced that I have created a masterpiece!!)

Overall, I would rank the album maybe above reload and st.anger but still worse than rest of their stuff. I have listened to the album only a couple of times and will definitely be doing more listening in the next couple of weeks. Hopefully I will grow to like it even more (cuz all fancy critiques and opinions notwithstanding, wouldn’t you rather enjoy something than hate it?)

Another good thing is because of death magnetic I listened to most of MetallicA’s repertoire again and was reminded why they are one of the best bands to have made music!

In conclusion...obey your master...MASTER!

If a picture is worth a thousand words...

... then this video with 128 frames/sec and being 169 seconds long would be...aaaH..SCREW IT!

Just watch ok!
For it is the mighty Sabbath's Paranoid.

DARK KNIGHT

Close Call

Conversation I had two days ago (almost verbatim)

My phone rings while I am out buying groceries:

Person: Hi, This is Jenna from 1-800-contacts. Is this Ro-heat Sum-meat-ta?
Me: Yes this is Rohit.
Person: Hi Mr.Summeatta, we are calling to let you know that we got your online order for contact lenses. However, we could not verify the prescription with your doctor as the brand names do not match.
Me: Oh ok. Maybe I could just call my doctor and sort it out. Will that work?
Person: Yes sure. Just give us a call back when you fix this.
Me: Ok, since I have you on the phone, could you give me my doctor's phone number so that I can call him right away?
Person: Sure. It is xxx-xxx-xxxx.
Me: Ok thanks. I'll call him right away. Can you give me your...hmmm....I can just call 1-800 contacts once I get this fixed right?
Person: Yes you idiot. You almost defeated the whole point of us naming our company 1-800-contacts, you fricking moron!!!

She should have said that!
She just said yes!
But Im sure she thought it!

Rosetta Stone: Advert Criticism

Today I was mindlessly surfing channels while eating my awesome fish curry...(It is a secret recipe which has been passed down through generations in my family. Seriously, every new born in my family is taught to make fish curry when he/she reaches the age of 10 and then is made to take an oath of death not to reveal it. I will tell you for $9.99 + shipping and handling costs)...I made when I chanced upon the ad for Rosetta Stone.

For those in the unknown, it is a software that helps you...(adults mostly, cuz you can teach a kid anything and the kid will learn it. I wonder if anyone has tried doing this before as a social experiment. You know, talk to a kid using gibberish to refer to basic words like food, chair, etc. and nonsense grammar to make sentences. Then send him off to school and videotape him asking for permission to use the bathroom!!! Ok...where was I?)...learn a new language. Now this might seem like a fairly common thing.

Except, something struck me as strange.

The entire ad is in English. Right from the letters on the screen, to the narration, and to the supposedly satisfied customers talking. Everyone speaks English.
Huh...Rosetta Stoners...what the hell???
If I am to be convinced that this is a powerful software that works then I want to see some conventional people speaking unconventional languages with thick accents. I am convinced easily and I expect at least this much.
The butt-clenchers amongst you might say, “But stupid Ro, that would seem so fake!”
To which I would reply, “Shut up butt-clenchers, I know in all probability the people talking would not be actual customers, but don’t you expect to see people drinking coffee in a coffee ad, people walking down shopping aisles after slimming down in a weight-loss ad and people actually talking on the phone in a 1-900 ad? Do you think those are all real customers? Do you really think hot girls are waiting for someone just like you to call? (They are not! I just know...lets leave it at that). Don’t you still expect a visual demonstration of the product?”

In the ad people go on about how well the software works and how easily they were able to learn a new language. But everyone talks in English. That is bad marketing. This is what I want to see...
1) A blue-eyed beach blonde chic talking in Swahili
2) A black guy speaking Hindi
3) An Asian lady speaking Arabic
Don’t tell me you won’t trust this software more if you see the above three on TV!
And since I am in a giving mood, here is another idea. If this doesn’t convince you to buy it, I don’t know what would!

Click on the figure or the rabbit gets it!

Minor observations from weekend in Miami

1) Beaches in Miami are awesome
2) There ought to be a committee that decides who can or cannot dress skimpily in public
3) Cuban food is very unimpressive
4) You can never go fast enough on a jet-ski
5) Poolside + Pina colada + Lazy Afternoon Naps = Good Life

Anthony Keidis appeals to fans to stop singing at RHCP concerts

In a shocking announcement that dealt a blow to music fans (much along the lines of Metallica complaining about Napster and Vanilla Ice deciding to make a comeback), Anthony Keidis, the lead vocalist of the popular rock band Red Hot Chili Peppers has appealed publicly to all RHCP concert goers “to just let him sing one f****** song by himself”.

The announcement comes on the heels of a recent concert at Albany, New York where over-enthusiastic fans sang to every RHCP song in the entire 90 min set list. The crowd even mimicked some of Anthony’s convulsions-filled dance moves and Flea’s supposedly impromptu speech about ‘itty bitty titties’. A visibly distraught Anthony commented about how this happens at every concert and how he longs for simpler days when they weren’t as well known and not many could keep up with his nonsensical raps. “There was a time when drug addiction and dying horribly were all we had to worry about. It is so much harder now. Some people might say that I am over reacting. But would you like it if I turn up with 20,000 others at your work place and forcibly do your job for you?”

When asked an opinion a fan responded (after much thought), “You know......I think Metallica fans should start singing all of its songs too. I mean ... dude ... have you listened to Hetfield lately?”

The rest of the Chilis declared that they were a 100% percent behind Anthony’s request. However they couldn’t help notice that the crowds made fewer lyrical errors and stayed in key more than Keidis. Chad the drummer added cautiously “who knows, maybe we will select a vocalist out of our fan base to replace Anthony. Hey...the Chilis selected a guitarist like that!” The other two had no further comment as Flea was busy walking on his hands and John was just happy to be with the spirits.

Sam Etaro

Massive Onion Rip-Off Artist (But Not As Funny)

2006 Acura RSX: A Review

Yesterday, it rained.
I decided to go running.
So I did. Of course, it was indoors on a boring treadmill but still.
I returned home driving in the rain admiring the weather.
At home, tired and thirsty I decided to have a beer.
The fatigue and dehydration coupled with the alcohol made me light headed and I decided that I just had to write about my car.
Just one of the many ways I hit upon the stuff to write about here.

So what follows is the pseudo-official review of my first, current, and only car, a 2006 Acura RSX. Some minor specifications that I can rattle of without having to look them up are: 155 bhp, front wheel drive, 4 inline 2 litre cylinders, 2 door coupe with automatic transmission. This is where the specs end. I plan to talk about the pros and cons of the car that exist at a superficial level and can only be gleaned after a good amount of driving (or fantastic leaps of imagination on your test drive).

First the pros:
1) Driving Prowess: This is a somewhat misleading opinion as I don’t exactly have wide-spread experience with a whole bunch of cars to correctly judge where the RSX stands. But one thing I can assure you is that the RSX does not disappoint when it comes to speed and handling. I am no speed-demon and I don’t push the car to its limits. But maneuvering the RSX at highway speeds (75-80) is a pleasure. The pick-up speed is extremely impressive and is particularly useful when merging onto a highway (or when racing other cars at traffic lights).

2) The Sunroof: I really like this feature for the simple reason that it lets more light and air into the car. This is particularly useful while driving on highways and the weather is pleasant. I can feel the breeze while driving without being deafened by the noise that happens when the windows are down at such high speeds.

3) The Audio System: The audio system is fantastic. If it weren’t for my inherent uncoolness, I could have easily pulled off a gangster look slouching in the seat with one hand on the wheel and heavy bass blazing out of my ride.

4) The Steering Wheel: Let’s just say, there have been times when I clasped the steering wheel with both my hands and felt an impulse to change gears by pressing buttons with my thumbs. Yeah, it’s that cool!


5) The Trunk Space: The humongous trunk space is perfect for hiding and getting rid of dead hookers. Plus I can store lots of stuff here. So everybody wins (except for the hookers I guess!)


Ok, now for some features that I am not happy about.

1) The Audio System: As previously listed, this is mostly a pro-point. My only beef is that there is neither an mp3 player, nor a socket to plug in an ipod, nor a cassette player (which I could have used to connect my ipod). The system is built only to play radio and CD’s. I am not happy. I had to spend a good amount of money to get a decent FM transmitter to interface my ipod with the audio system and even that works just ok.

2) The Passenger Side Blind Spot: This is a peeve of mine that I think is serious in a serious way. The windows of the car get narrower as you go from front to the rear and this leads to a not so clear view of passenger side blind spot (at least when compared to most other cars). I am not worried about SUV’s or trucks getting hidden but if it turns out that there is a dude riding one of those funny little bonsai-motorbikes right along side me...WHAM! Disaster!


3) The Cramped-Up BackSeats: This is a natural offshoot of the extra large trunk space. As can be attested by many of my friends, it sucks to be the back seat rider in the RSX. Not just a hassle to get in and get out but also not enough leg room at all! I was complaining about this with some people at work using the phrase ‘the backseat of my car is very uncomfortable’ when someone promptly asked me with a grin as to “how many had told me so?” In a dazzling moment of stupidity, I replied “most of my friends” and continued talking only to realize the subtext involved well after a couple of sentences. Let me tell you, he who laughed last definitely thought the slowest in this case!

4) The Penta-Passenger-Preventer (PPP): I have no idea why a useless plastic piece was put in the middle of the back seat. To separate the boys and girls from sitting too close to each other? What is this? 1999 - Ratna Junior College?


5) The Badly Designed Front Cup Holder: This is a design disaster and I wonder how Acura missed such an obvious flaw. The curved portion towering over the cup holder (to house the audio system) is a natural obstruction to pulling out a coffee cup in a vertical manner while driving. It forces one to tilt the cup away from the curved part causing spillage when the contents are to the brim (as is always the case with gas-station coffee). This is just the beginning. If I am using the power socket then I cannot even use the left holder that is in front of it. And all this applies only to small size cups. Nothing bigger than a small-sized cup can be pulled out easily out of the holder. This is nonsense. I like my cars like I like my women. Able to hold large cups.
(This entire blog was a build up just for this joke. Thank you for reading! :P)


In conclusion, the RSX is a very well rounded car and I would highly recommend it. In the rare case that anyone else wants to know more information do let me know. Incidentally, Acura has stopped making RSXs after 2006. I bought my car in Dec 2006 and probably have one of the last models made! What are the odds that the RSX becomes an antique in the next 2-3 years? ;)

Thought Collage: Part 6 (of a 10 part series*)

* The number of parts can be changed without any notice. It most likely will.

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1) By the end of march this year my daily TV viewing had almost gone down to zero. I was turning into one of them, a snob! Except, instead of spending all the time I wasn’t watching TV on reading, exercising, doing carpentry (???) I was wasting it on the internet. My youtube account summary tells me that I joined on April 4th 2006 and have watched 6815 videos so far. If you do the math, that amounts to around 9 videos per day. (Actually, once you do the math it doesn’t seem so bad!!!) Either way, my point is that I wasn’t ‘seeking’ out anything on TV except Southpark (which also is starting to become a hit and miss rather than being a consistently brilliant show). Days would go by before I would hear the canned laughter on the Daily Show and Jon Stewart’s tiresome old antics, before I would get a glimpse of 30 Rock, a show that serves as glaring proof that really smart comedy writers who can’t act to save their lives should not do so just because they are the ones scripting their show, before I could see news corporations report events with so much bias that it convinces you something has to be terribly wrong with either them or you without any middle ground. As you can see, TV was failing me. Then my sister introduced me to HOUSE. Freaking beautiful.
It takes watching just one typical HOUSE episode to get you hooked to it. And it is painfully obvious to see why this is so. The show is about a guy named House who is a doctor with razor sharp wit and the ability to ‘tell it like it is’ without fear of consequences. Who doesn’t want to have that?!! No wonder it has taken off so well. The show does have some obvious weak points. Most of the episodes follow an obvious template, the side characters are a little boring and I find one of them to be very annoying (Cameron) and in real life it is hard to imagine why even the few people who back Dr. House would do so. But who cares? You should listen to his witticisms!!!
TV, I can hope once again!

2) Speaking of doctors, my sis is officially one now. She still has maybe another 100 years of studying left before she can convince me to let go of my common sense and put my life in her hands. I am not being mean. We obviously grew up studying together and I know how easily she gets distracted. It is very likely I will be wincing in pain trying to tell her my symptoms while she is thinking about ‘dreamy Hrithik Roshan in Jodhaa Akbar’ (her words)!!!

I am only kidding!
I could not be prouder of my sis! I am sure she will be a great doctor and I already trust her more than some of the more experienced docs I happened to see!

3) Sweet Taste of India: I spent the entire month of March in India. Needless to say, it was bliss. But let me tell you about something else. At the Washington Dulles Airport, I observed an interesting phenomenon that has to do with a huge bunch of desis trying to form lines. Coupling this observation with my years of traveling experience in India, I have come to the conclusion that Indians have a peculiar mindset that I shall from now on call ‘The Arrowhead Mindset’. The principle that comes into play due to this mindset will be called ‘The Arrowhead Principle’. Allow me to explain. At the base of all this explanation is the axiom that desis don’t like standing in lines and will do anything they can to avoid them. However, this is possible only in India. If we try to pull such stunts in the US (prolly in Europe too) we will be assaulted with disapproving glances. A few of us develop the guts to ignore these ‘you can’t do that here, its frowned upon’ looks from the westerners and/or develop a resistance to them (thereby stripping the common American of all possible arsenal to deal with such situations) These are the people who effect the ‘Arrowhead Principle’. These and the bloody FOBs!
The Principle basically states that all (the daring and the meek) desis upon finding a line that is already quite long subdue their instincts to wriggle their way ahead by saying “boss, zaraa hathiye” and meekly join in at the back. They unintentionally preserve the linear nature of the line. This is illustrated by Figure 2 from the picture below. The blue dots form all the people forming the line and the reds are us. However a different situation arises (Figure 1) when the line is still temptingly short so as to defy being recognized as an official line by onlookers. It is at this time that the rebels amongst us, the ones who still have ‘red blood’ coursing through our veins, those who are true ‘dharti putrs’ and who have grown up on ‘maa ka dood’ shine (these and the bloody FOBs) and immediately join in on either side, instantly transforming the line into an arrowhead.

I watched this happen countless times as a kid in India at bus stops, train stations, chat bandhars…pretty much any place in India where a line could be formed (a good exception to this rule is the bus stops in Mumbai. People actually form and maintain lines there. They used to at least!). I never watched it happen in the US until last month. I was fascinated. It happened twice actually, at the Washington Airport and in Doha (my layover). I made a mental note to develop this into a formal theory before someone else recognizes something so obvious. So yeah, keep it real desis (doesn’t include you, you bloody FOBs). In case you are wondering, I am not a 'dharti-putr'.

4) There are a select group of people who use the pool at my gym who completely baffle my understanding of common sense and courtesy. There is a sign that clearly says “PLEASE SHOWER BEFORE ENTERING THE POOL”. Now I follow this religiously and you might call me a chump for doing so. Normally I try to justify everything I do with reason but in this case I probably am a chump. The pool is drenched in chlorine. People who swim do end up taking in and spitting out water from their mouths. Maybe someone even ends up peeing a bit in the pool (what with all the water around you!). So you would think the germs from an unwashed swimmer should only be a psychological block and nothing else! I fully agree with this line of logic. But I draw the line in making an effort to overcome this block when it comes to the case of sweaty assholes who have just finished a run and come straight to the pool and jump into the water in all their sweaty glory. These retards definitely read the sign but choose to ignore it altogether. What is the logic in this? They are too proud of their sweat, too tired and thus inconsiderate, too rebellious to follow rules?!! Sadly, I am still a chump. I am not anal enough to complain about this and will probably stop letting this bother me very soon. Still dudes, come on!

5) Finally, here is a cover of the song ‘I could have lied’. It is by RHCP from the album Blood Sugar Sex Magic. I had initially learnt the first solo and was content with that. After a long time, I learnt the verse and chorus followed by the final solo. Then decided to cover the whole song with vocals. Singing while playing this proved to be a little tough (as will be very obvious). I haven’t done even 10% justice to the awesomeness that is the first solo. Do check out the song if you haven’t already.

May I borrow your jumper cables?

I have good reason to believe that the people working in the frontiers of technologies that have mediocre importance to mankind read my blog. Delusions of grandeur you say? I say nay! In a previous post that was written more than 2 years ago I made a case for the need to have some way of listening to music while swimming to combat the boredom . I of course completely forgot about it. Then a few months back I happened to flip through the pages of a skymall magazine during a flight when I stumbled upon the SWIMP3. As one can easily guess from its name, it is an MP3 player that can be used underwater while doing laps. Awesome!

I personally think it’s a neat device and the only thing that is stopping me from purchasing it is its cost of 180$. That seems a tad too much and most likely there are similar and cheaper devices. I’ll probably get one for myself anyway sometime soon! But for now, let me say GOOD JOB MANKIND. I’m proud of you. And since I now know that you take a cue from me, how about getting started on that teleportation? It’s been a while since the idea was first conceived and no results yet? Shame shame!

And on an unrelated note, happy new year to everyone. Don’t forget that 2008 is a leap year and this means we have an extra day this year to party!!! Here is my new year’s gift to one and all…a cover of a small part of Pink Floyd’s epic song, ‘Echoes’. Try and enjoy (inspite of the less than mediocre vocals)!